Tide recedes
Amber glow
Inner light
So long as I hold the one
Let the other be revealed
Amber glow
Inner light
So long as I hold the one
Let the other be revealed
Now as an adult
I am dominated by the fear
I learned as a child
Now I watch my waitress
And I wonder if she is also processing
The traumas of a dimly remembered past
While serving another table’s drink orders
I wonder if the waitress knows
That in the every day of just going along
Her mind, and her heart, and her spirit
Process the hard work that is so upsetting
“You did not go crazy”
“You did not die”
“You lived and never let go of the light
Even when you were plunged into the darkness”
“And all you learned to cope
With the trauma so many years ago
Keeps you alive now
While you heal”
Ambivalence
Trepidation
Uncertainty
Too much?
Too dark?
Too bleak?
For a bistro?
Until a voice says
“That is me, up there
On your wall.”
I am in this world
And I am not
I have this body
And I do not
I am present
I am nowhere
I am here
But not
I am present
I am a ghost
This is trauma
This is dissociation
Who would I be
Without the self-doubt
Without the self-pity
Without the self-hate
Which accompanies it
What if I could show
Myself the compassion
Myself the kindness
Myself the forgiveness
I offer so freely to others
I observe the violence
The hurt
The suffering
Detached
Feeling nothing
To feel would be
To shatter
So strong because
So fragile